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ConservativeTruth.org - Humor, Political Cartoons, Limericks and more

Bible Says Ministry

Bible Says Ministry

Efficiency [rec.humor.funny]

Efficiency [rec.humor.funny]

DISCIPLINE

Well, since there seems to be a plethora of Soviet jokes anyway... This one was told to me by a Russian.)
It seems that Reagan and Gorbachev arranged a competition to determine whose nation had the bravest troops. The two leaders arrived, at the designated hour, on a plateau in Finland high above the water. Each was accompanied by a battalion of crack troops, smartly uniformed. The leaders shook hands.
Reagan went first. He addressed his battalion of Marines:
"Private Jones! Front and center."
Private Jones saluted and briskly marched to the front of the ranks, facing his commander.
"Private Jones! March to the edge of the cliff."
Private Jones saluted and briskly marched to the very edge of the cliff.
"Private Jones! Jump!"
Jones just stood there, unmoving.
"Private Jones! I said jump!"
The man's knees started to shake, but he was otherwise motionless.
"Private Jones! This is your Commander-in-Chief. I ORDER YOU TO JUMP!!!" Private Jones wailed out: "I can't! I have a wife--and a family!"
The MPs arrived and escorted Jones away for court martial. Reagan backed off in disgrace. It was now Gorbachev's turn.
"Comrade Dmitrivich! Front and center."
Comrade Dmitrivich saluted and briskly marched to the front of the ranks, facing his commander.
"Comrade Dmitrivich! March to the edge of the cliff."
Dmitrivich saluted and briskly marched to the very edge of the cliff.
"Comrade Dmitrivich! Jump!"
Dmitrivich jumped off the cliff.
By some miracle, he is snagged on a branch and he lands on a crag some 50 feet below the top of the cliff. Dmitrivich is badly injured, but still alive and conscious. He is carried away on a stretcher.
As Dmitrivich is carried passed Private Jones, Jones cannot resist asking him:
"Dmitrivich! How could you do it? How could you jump?"
Dmitrivich answered: "I had to! I have a wife--and a family!"

While out Looking For A Place To Hunt: (supposedly true)
A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmer's yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt. The old farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?" The hunter said, "Sure," and headed for the car.
While walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said OK, he said, "No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going to teach that old cuss a lesson." With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule. As he exclaimed, "There, that will teach him!" a second shot rang out from the passenger side. And, one of his hunting buddies shouted, "I got the cow!"

A friend of mine and his boss went boating a few weeks ago, and they decided to go look at some of the well-known landmarks in the Chesapeake.
Well, they were getting near one of them and the boat ran aground. Unable to back it out, they finally had to get out and push. While they were doing this, an employee at the site came out and watched, and the hapless boaters explained that they'd been looking at the landmark when they got stuck. This exchange followed:

Employee: Sir, do you know what this is?
Boater: A lighthouse.
Employee: Why do you think it's here?

The Humanist Association of Canada Spring 1992 Newslettercontains the following item:

For writers only --
Every writer has received rejection slips;
too many of them for most.
The "Financial Times" has quoted the "mother of all rejection slips", translated
from a Chinese economic journal.
It goes like this:
We have read your manuscript with boundless delight.
If we were to publish your paper, it would be impossible for Us to publish
any work of lower standard.
And as it is unthinkable that in the next thousand years we shall see its equal, we are, to our regret, compelled to return your Divine composition, and to beg you a thousand times to overlook our short sight and timidity.

A man was complaining to his friends about his visiting father-in-law. "I didn't mind when he wore my clothes, smoked my cigars, drank my whiskey, and drove my car. But when he sits at the dinner table and laughs at me with my own teeth, that's too much."

SMART ANSWERING MACHINE

SMART ANSWERING MACHINE SAVES YOU TIME BY THINKING FOR YOU. You bought an answering machine because you're a busy executive and youthought it would be a valuable time-saving device. Well, ever sinceyou've plugged that object in, you've found yourself spending hourafter hour returning unnecessary and pointless telephone calls. Now,for the first time, the Schaeffer Image introduces the first answeringmachine that really saves your time instead of wasting it! How did wedo it? We added the new Ultra-Screening feature! Activate theUltra-Screen button and your answering machine with automaticallyrefuse to record messages! In fact, with the Ultra-Screening function on, it won't even answer the phone, keeping your precious time safefrom all those life-wasting calls! Best of all, it's easy to use!If you're used to using one of our older answering machines, theUltra-Screening activator button is right where the power switchused to be! It's that simple! So order today and give yourself alife free from annoying phone calls.

TEH DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CATS AND DOGS

The difference between cats and dogs
A dog thinks "My owner loves me, feeds me, pets me, takes care of me.He must be god."
A cat thinks "My owner loves me, feeds me, pets me, takes care of me.I must be god."

LESSONS FROM A HAMMER

LESSONS FROM THE HAMMER
...It keeps its head
....It does not fly off the handle....
It finds the point - and drives it home....
It looks at the other side....
It succeeds by continuous pounding....
It makes mistakes but when it does,
It starts all over again.–

author unknown

leadership-when push comes to shove

Leadership -- When 'Push' Comes to 'Shove'
(Title supplied by THE BIBLE SAYS)

General Eisenhower would demonstrate the art of leadership with a piece of string.
He'd put it on a table and say: "PULL it andit will follow wherever you wish.
PUSH it and it will go nowhere at all.
It's just that way when it comes to leading people.
They need to follow a person who is leading by example."
At another time he said, "You do not lead by hitting people overthe head--that's assault, not leadership."Michael P. Green,
Illustrations for Biblical Preaching, GrandRapids: Baker, 1989, p. 216.

DO AND SAY

DO AND SAY



Two brothers once lived down this way;
One was Do, the other was Say.
If the streets were dirty,
the taxes high,
Or the schools were crowded,
Say would cry,"My what a town!"
But brother DoWould set to work and make things new.
And while Do worked,
Say would cry,"He does it wrong. I know that ICould do it right!"
So all the dayWas heard the clank of brother Say.
But this one fact was never hid;
Say always talked; Do always did!

the formerly blind leading blind

The Formerly Blind Leading The Blind
An eye surgeon, who went to China as a missionary, began practicing in one of China’s hospitals. One of the first surgeries he performed was on a man who had been nearly blinded by cataracts. The operation was successful and the man recovered his eyesight.
A few weeks later, this missionary was greatly surprised when 48 blind men showed up on his hospital’s doorstep. These blind men had walked more than 250 miles from a remote area of China to get to the hospital in order that they might have their sight restored. They had traveled the entire distance by holding on to a rope that kept them all together. And guess who had held the front end of the rope and led them all the way? It was the man who had his eyesight restored by the missionary surgeon!-Author of illustration unknownAnd so it should be with us as Christians. We have been freed from the guilt of sin, and have had our “eyes opened.” Are you leading others to the same “Great Physician” Jesus Christ?
Acts 2:38 Then Peter said to them, "Repent, and let every one of you be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins; and you shall receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.
Acts 4:20 "For we cannot but speak the things which we have seen and heard.''

crossing the river

One day three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a raging river.
They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea how to do so.
The first man prayed, Saying, " Please God, give me the strength to cross the river." POOF ! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning.
Seeing this, the second man prayed, saying, " Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross the river." POOF ! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to cross the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing. The third man had seen how this worked for the others, so he also prayed, " Please God, give me the strength and the tools, and the intelligence to cross the river. And POOF ! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.